


Trapped

by lameparties



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abusive Relationship, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Bottom Harry, It's not AU, M/M, Top Louis, Violence I guess, also kinda messed up, and i mean literally rape, and louis is sorry, and there's comfort too, don't read this if it triggers you or if you don't want to read it, drunk, i'm not romanticizing rape it's really just angsty, underage warning bc harry is sixteen in the beginning, warning!!!! this contains rape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 06:12:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6893320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lameparties/pseuds/lameparties
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry falls in love the moment he sees Louis at the X-Factor. And it seems that Louis wants him, too. Maybe a little too much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> okay, first of all I want to specifically warn you again that this contains a lot of rape and I don’t want to receive comments on how that is bad because I know rape is bad and I would never ever support it in any way. This is fiction, nothing more. 
> 
> secondly, English isn’t my native language so I hope it's okay!! tell me if you find some really weird and embarrassing mistakes so I can fix them.

Harry is in love. He’s sixteen years old and his heart is racing as the five of them sit in their room on the couch and watch DVDs. They’re a band now. A real _band_.

Earlier today the judges announced that they would keep going, not solo but together and Harry, being the youngest, thinks the other four are just really cool. They're fun and nice and he admires them.

Also, he’s in love.

Louis sits right next to him and winks at him, making Harry’s heart beat only faster. Louis’ eyes are curious in a way that Harry didn’t expect: He didn’t expect attention from this boy, that’s two years older than him. Normally, older boys show no interest in Harry at all – not in a friendly way and especially not in a romantic or sexual way.

He tries not to look away and even dares to smile a little. They stare at each other. Then Louis looks back at the TV and Harry feels like he’s never been more in love.

 

~~

 

Louis is just so _cool_. The way he sings. The way he’s always fun and easy going – he never seems to be nervous. It’s only a few days until he’s the band’s joker, always happy and laughing, always ready to tell a fun story.

Then there’s the X-Factor tour and for the first time in their lives they spend a night in a tour bus. Harry doesn’t expect it, when it happens. Honestly, he thought it would just be like it always is with every crush he has.

But that evening, when they sit together and eat, he suddenly feels a hand on his thigh and _oh god_ , he’s feeling hot already. Louis is right next to him, acting like nothing's going on. Like his hand isn't slowly moving to the inside of Harry’s thigh. 

Could it be? That for once, Harry wouldn’t spend ages pining on some boy but actually get together with him? That Louis returned his feelings? Or is this all just a joke?

Later, when they lay in their beds, it’s clear that it’s not.

 

There’s three bunk beds and Harry can’t sleep. He’s staring at the wood above his head. It’s quiet, just light snoring coming from the other boys until he hears wood creek and then suddenly a noise right beside him. The sound of feet on cold floor. The mattress gives in beside him and then Louis is right there, all warm breath and cold feet.

Harry stares at him. But before he can form a question, as to why Louis is in his bed, the older boy is already kissing him and Harry’s heart stops. 

He’s never kissed a boy before. He’s never even met anyone who was gay. This is his first kiss and he doesn’t know what to do. 

Louis’ lips feel like they know, though. They’re dry and a little needy, pressing close. Louis’ hand flies up to Harry’s cheek and when Harry hesitantly opens his mouth, their tongues meet. Louis licks inside Harry’s mouth and Harry starts sweating, feeling far too hot already.

He expected it to be more gentle. A little slower. But he’s too overwhelmed to stop, when Louis’ thigh starts pressing against Harry's bulge and _fuck_ , this is all going incredibly fast. They've known each other for only a couple of weeks, and Louis’ hand is already sliding inside Harry’s briefs and then Harry can’t take it any longer.

“Wait”, he whispers, breaking the kiss and moving his head so he can look at Louis. The older boy looks incredibly in the dim light, eyes dark, lips red. But Harry doesn’t have time to admire, because Louis’ hand is suddenly around his dick. “Ah – Louis, wait. Please.”

“Don’t you want this?”, he whispers and comes a little closer.

“I – I do. But … this is going so fast.”

Louis sighs and starts to press kisses on Harry’s neck. “Relax”, he mouths. His hand starts jerking Harry’s cock. “We don’t have to go _all the way_.”

And Harry feels a little restless because Louis doesn’t stop but at the same time the hand around his cock feels way too good to complain. So he just puts his hands in Louis’ hair, closes his eyes and tries to be quiet, while slowly reaching his orgasm. Louis kisses down his neck and collarbone and when he licks over his nipple, Harry presses a hand over his mouth to keep the moans down. His hips thrust upwards into Louis’ hand and it’s only seconds until he’s coming.

Through clouded eyes, he watches Louis jerking himself off, too. It’s sticky and wet in his briefs. Louis smiles lazily and kisses Harry again.

Then he goes back to his own bed.

Harry isn’t sure what just happened.  All he knows is that Louis apparently returns his feelings and that alone makes him forget, that maybe he didn’t listen when Harry told him to stop and maybe it was all a little too fast for him.

So Harry grins into his pillow and feels happy and giddy, unable to fall asleep. His mind is filled with Louis and he can’t wait for tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

They don’t tell the boys about it. It’s their little secret now, it’s secret smiles, winks and sometimes a kiss in between door frames, when they’re alone.

After all there's a lot more important things to worry about, like the semifinal, that’s tomorrow. The boys can’t sleep, so they go downstairs to drink. Harry doesn’t drink often since he’s still young but he tries a beer. In the beginning, the five of them sit together, talk about tomorrow, their fears and worries. Then Zayn disappears with some dancer and Louis whispers into Harry’s ear, asking if he’d like to join him upstairs.

Their bedroom is empty now and it doesn’t take long until they’re on top of each other on the bed, making out. Harry feels courageous from the beer and Louis smells of alcohol. He pulls Harry’s shirt off, then opens his jeans and before Harry knows what’s happening, he’s already naked and Louis is kissing down his chest.

There’s this voice inside his head, telling him that this is going way too fast again but Harry is a little too tipsy to listen. Louis spreads his long legs and then his hand is already on Harry’s butt.

Harry tenses. _Louis wouldn’t want to … already?_

He would. The older boy searches for something in his back pocket and Harry’s heart skips a beat when he realises it’s a condom.

“Louis. I’m not ready yet”, he says quickly, sounding a little shy.

“Oh, come on.” Louis grins in a mischievous way that says _let’s do something stupid_. He rummages through a bag and comes back to the bed with lube. He opens the tube. 

“I’ve never done this before -“ 

“It’s easy, I promise. Don’t worry.”  Louis is on top of him again, his hands immediately on Harry’s body. He moves his fingers along Harry’s dick, then between his butt cheeks.

Harry feels panic so he pushes Louis off. “I mean it. I don’t want this, I’m not ready”, he says more seriously. He doesn’t want to disappoint Louis, it’s the last thing he wants but he’s not gonna let this happen against his will. 

Louis laughs. “Oh come on. Don’t be so serious.” He grabs Harry’s wrists and pins them down on the mattress. Then he chuckles. “I’m stronger than you anyway.”

It’s a joke so Harry laughs. “Let go off me”, he says, rolling his eyes.

“No”, Louis smiles. Then he kisses him and Harry jumps when he suddenly feels a wet finger on his entrance.

In a second he’s sitting up again, pushing Louis away. “I said no!” His voice is a little shaky now and his heart is racing.

Louis seems confused for a second. Then he sighs. “I’m sorry”, he mumbles and backs away. “I’m not forcing you. It’s just … I’m pretty tense. And scared of tomorrow.”

Harry swallows down the knot in his throat and manages to smile again. Louis is so easy to forgive. Harry pulls him down and kisses him. “I can touch you, if you want. I just don’t want to go all the way.”

Louis agrees with a moan. Harry shyly reaches between Louis’ legs to grab his hard cock. He puts his fingers around it and feels it throbbing slightly. He’s never touched another boy before. When he begins to jerk him off, Louis touches Harry, too. They kiss passionately and start panting.

Afterwards, when they both came in their hands, they’re cuddled up on the bed, naked and sticky. Louis gently moves his thumb over Harry’s cheek and smiles. “Are you angry at me?”

Harry just shakes his head. “Already forgiven.”

Louis’ smile deepens and he presses a gentle kiss to Harry’s lips. “We’re gonna rock this tomorrow, right?” 

“Definitely”, Harry replies.


	3. Chapter 3

 After the announcement, it’s dead quiet in the band for hours. They lost. It’s over.

Now they’re moving around the house, not saying a word. Their bags are packed but they’re not ready to leave just yet. Was this really it?

Harry sits with Niall on the couch, not saying a word. Both of them have teary eyes. Zayn is with this dancer again and Liam doesn’t leave the bathroom. Harry doesn’t know where Louis is, he’s been gone for hours.

He’s sad to spend the last night at the X-Factor house without him, especially now that he’s too upset to even eat and everything he’s ever dreamed of seems pointless. He falls asleep at some point and barely notices Niall helping him up to the bed and then leaving him alone.

It’s late, a few hours later, when a noise startled Harry awake. It’s dark in the room, someone stumbles towards the bed.

“Hello?”, Harry asks, voice tired.

“This fucking bag”, Louis mutters, after hitting his foot on something. He sounds drunk and loud and Harry doesn’t like it. He cuddles deeper into the blanket. Then he hears the mumbled words: “I want you.”

He feels the mattress giving in, then Louis is already above him. Harry blinks at him tiredly. “Do you want to talk?”, he asks gently. Louis seems angry, they all are. Harry just wants to calm him down.

“No”, Louis says sharply. Harry isn’t in the mood when hands pull the blankets off him and Louis puts his face in his neck.

“Lou – I’m tired.”

There’s no reaction. Louis pushes Harry’s briefs down to his knees and Harry sighs, a little irritated. He tries to grab Louis’ hands, that already spread his legs.

“Let’s sleep and talk tomorrow”, he suggests in a calming voice, getting a hold of Louis’ hands, who pushes him off.

“I said I don’t want to fucking talk.”

“Well and I said I’m tired.”

“Don’t be like that.”

Harry tastes the alcohol when Louis kisses him and spreads his legs far enough so it hurts. Louis is rough. He doesn’t wait. He just presses a finger inside him and Harry feels the same panic, tries to push Louis off. “Stop! I told you I’m not ready.” He can’t believe it’s already the second time this happens. In two days.

“Don’t be such a girl.” Louis pushes his finger in so deep that a painful whimper leaves Harry’s lips. He didn’t use lube or anything to make it more bearable.

“You’re hurting me”, he whispers, his voice shaky. He doesn’t think Louis will actually do it. He wouldn’t. A few seconds pass in which Harry complains and Louis pushes his finger in and out. “Stop it already!” He tries to kick Louis, without actually wanting to hurt him but Louis ignores him completely, instead tries to force a second finger in.

Harry has enough. This time he uses enough force to push Louis off and then quickly sits up. He still can’t see much in the dim light.

“I think it’s better if I sleep at Zayn’s”, he mumbles quickly and tries to get up but Louis grabs his foot.

“Stay.” His arms are strong and before Harry knows what’s happening he’s back on the bed, this time on his stomach and Louis straddles the back of his thigh to push his fingers back into his body.

“Louis!” Harry is honestly angry now and very awake. “If you don’t stop I’ll scream. I’m serious.” Before he can actually scream though, Louis pushes his head into the pillow, making it hard for Harry to breathe.

Sudden panic fills Harry’s body as he feels more fingers entering him forcefully. He’s shaking but he can’t move. Louis is too heavy. He never expected anything like this to happen. Louis to do this. Louis, who’s nice and funny and always smiling.

There’s fear now, real fear. He feels Louis’ cock that’s slowly pressing against his entrance. It hurts like hell and _fuck_ , why is this happening? Is Louis just too drunk to notice Harry doesn’t want this? Or too angry because they didn’t win? Or has Louis always been this monster? Thinking about it, Harry doesn’t know a thing about him.

Fighting is useless when Louis starts to thrust into him. Harry screams into the pillow while Louis bites into his shoulder and fucks him roughly. “Yes”, he mumbles heatedly and Harry starts crying within seconds, suddenly realising there’s no way out and this is _actually happening._ Louis’ thrusts become harder and faster, his moans louder and it feels like ages until he finally stops and comes, buried deep inside of Harry with a loud moan.

Then he collapses on top of him.

Harry just sobs when it’s over. He doesn’t understand what just happened and he still can’t move. After a few minutes he feels soft and gentle kisses on his shoulder. “Shh … Hey.” Louis pulls out and finally lets go of Harry, instead gently strokes through his hair. “Sorry. Was it too rough?”

He turns Harry around to meet teary eyes. Harry is trembling, sobbing and pushes Louis’ hands off. “Don’t touch me”, he whimpers, his voice shaking. He never wants to go through anything like this again.

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m not doing anything.” Louis is all gentle, like this didn’t just happen. He hugs Harry, strokes through his curls and Harry is too frightened to fight him. His body aches. “I’m sorry”, Louis says softly against his neck. “I lost control. Forgive me, please. It won’t happen again.”

“Just leave”, Harry chokes out.

“I’m really sorry!” Louis does sound sorry. “Sometimes I just can’t control myself. I didn’t think. This wasn’t me. Harry, please. I don’t want to ruin things between us.”

Harry just shakes his head, eyes empty. “LEAVE!”, he screams and finally Louis lets go of him.

Harry doesn’t want to see him. He curls up and pulls the blanket over his broken body. A few minutes pass, then he hears Louis leaving.

He can’t believe this happened to him. Suddenly it’s a good thing they lost. Because he doesn't want to see Louis ever again.


	4. Chapter 4

“I’m so sorry. I can’t say it enough.” The words slip out of Louis’ mouth as soon as Niall leaves the studio room. “Please Harry. Say something, anything I can do to make you forgive me. I’ll do whatever you want. I was drunk and angry. Harry, _please_ forgive me.”

Harry doesn’t want to hear it anymore. He _can’t_ hear it anymore. It’s been a couple of weeks and the fact they’re still a band, still going strong and still spending most of their time together doesn’t help at all. Louis forced himself onto him. Harry was … no, he can’t even _think_ the word. He’s a boy. Fuck, this thing doesn’t happen to boys like him.

“I didn’t want to hurt you, I swear.”

Louis apologizes whenever they’re alone and Harry can’t stand it. Any of it. He can’t even look at him. It’s like he has to face his nightmare every time he gets up in the morning to meet his bandmates. Everyday is a struggle. He can’t escape Louis. And he can’t tell anyone. They’re a band now, they can make it far and Harry can't just leave now. He can't just throw it all away. He feels trapped. 

“I didn’t think in that moment. Harry, you’re so important to me. _Please_.”

Harry hates being alone with Louis. He’s always shaken up, always startled and tense. He's broken although he acts like he's not. To keep going. Because he has to. “I can’t forgive you”, he says for what feels like the hundredths time.

Louis looks like a punched little puppy. It’s weird because in Harry’s head he’s a monster but looking at him he seems so harmless and innocent. Like he is actually sorry. Like he didn’t mean to do it. “Please, Harry. I never meant to hurt you. I don’t want us to not be friends.”

“Then you shouldn’t have done this”, Harry spits angrily. He’s confused inside. There’s this emptiness and fear that he can’t shake ever since it happened but also this devensive wall that he built up around himself, making him act angry, annoyed and strong whenever he talks to Louis. Like he doesn't cry himself to sleep every night and doesn't start trembling whenever they stand too close together. 

 “I didn’t think!”, Louis says again. “I drank far too much. And when we lost I just … I lost control over myself.”

“So? That’s just what you do whenever you’re drunk and angry?” Harry can’t believe this is actually something they argue about. He never wanted to see Louis again after it happened and now he’s confronted with it every single day. “What then? Are you just gonna do it again the next time you’re pissed off?”

Louis shakes his head. “I won’t drink anymore. I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“Harry.” Louis shifts a little closer and when he puts his hand on his shoulder, Harry flinches so hard that it startles Louis. He quickly removes his hand again. “Fuck, I’m sorry.” He looks desperate. His eyes filled with regret. “I can’t forgive myself.”

“That makes two of us.” 

When Niall comes back the conversation is over and Harry tries to ignore the older boy for the rest of the day.

 

~

 

His wrists are painfully pinned to the mattress. He can’t breathe and he’s dizzy. He tries to move, to fight but it’s useless. The pain is unbearable when it just keeps thrusting into his body. He tries to scream but something is choking him. He panics, feeling like he’s going to lose consciousness.

Then he wakes up.

Breathing heavily, Harry sits up and wipes the sweat from his forehead, his heart racing. It was just one of many nightmares since it happened. He swallows down the knot in his throat and gets up to take a shower.

 

~

 

“Harry, can you get the DVDs? They’re somewhere in the living room”, Liam shouts from the kitchen.

“Yeah, sure.” Harry’s legs are shaky – one of the little things that give away that he isn’t as stable as he pretends to be. He enters the living room of Liam’s flat and searches through the shelves. He finds the DVD in a drawer next to the TV and then puts it on.  

He hears someone entering the room and immediately tenses like he always does. It’s Louis, just like he feared it would be.

“Hey.” Louis always sounds sad and full of regret. Harry’s been ignoring him for months. He gets up to sit on the edge of the couch and Louis sits down beside him with enough distance. Although there’s never enough distance for Harry. “How are you?”

“Fine.” Harry scratches his arm absently.

“Are you still –“

“I’m _fine_.”

Louis bites his lower lip. “Look, I don’t want you to suffer because of me.”

“I’m not suffering." 

That’s when Zayn enters the room. “Who’s suffering?”, he asks curiously.

“No one.” Harry grabs the remote to start the opening credits.

 Niall and Liam join them, bringing some pizza and crisps. “Scoot over, Lou.”

Sharing a couch with five people used to be fun but now, being pressed close to Louis, Harry feels suffocated. Their thighs and arms touch and Harry’s breathing goes flat. While they watch the movie he can’t concentrate. He feels Louis’ muscular arm against his thinner one. The older boy could easily attack him again.  

When there’s suddenly a hand on his thigh, Harry flinches and lets out a surprised shout, pushing the hand away.

Immediately there’s four pairs of eyes on him. “What?”

Harry blushes and tries to hide the fact he’s trembling. “Um … I … had a cramp. In my leg.”

“Need a massage?”, Zayn suggests and already tries to grab Harry’s leg who immediately protests.

“No!”, he shouts, almost like he’s scared of Zayn’s touch. The older boy puts his hands up in defense.

“Okay. Sorry.”

It’s awkward for a moment. Harry doesn’t dare to look at Louis, instead stares at the TV. He tries to calm down but his mind is filled with images. It’s not just Louis who’s stronger than him. All of his friends could do it. All of them could take advantage of him. Zayn could hold on to him and Louis could spread his legs and Niall and Liam – no, wait. They wouldn’t do it. Or would they? After all he didn’t expect Louis to do it either.

He can’t trust anyone. He can never let his guard down ever again.


	5. Chapter 5

Time passes. Their first tour. Harry manages somehow. He feels isolated, like he’s never himself. Like he’s inside this body, that’s laughing and talking and posing for the camera, but it’s never actually him.

Sometimes he tries to talk it small. _It’s no big deal_ , he tells himself. _It happened but it’s over now. If you just pretend it never happened, you’ll forget it. It’s not something you can’t get over._

But he can’t shake the empty feeling and the fear.

And then, just when he thought he would live this like forever, Louis suddenly drinks again.

He’s always been careful not to touch alcohol. He promised, but now they’re at the bar and it’s not just one beer. It’s two, it’s three. He looks desperate like he needs it and he’s had this empty look on his face for months because Harry just can’t forgive him, no matter how often he apologizes.

Harry is tense, watching Louis closely, who swallows down one beer after the other. Harry doesn’t want to be there when Louis is drunk. He doesn’t want to be there when Louis loses control. So he finds Zayn to tell him he’s tired and wants to leave first.

He pushes through the crowd of people, glancing back at the bar to see that Louis isn’t there anymore. Panic fills Harry’s body. What if Louis follows him? When he’s finally outside and the fresh air hits his heated face, he hears somebody call his name. Instinctively Harry walks faster. He needs to call a cab. Right now.

“Harry. Wait!”

Harry starts to run.

The streets are dark and he hears steps behind him that just keep coming closer and just when he’s around the corner, hands grab his shoulders.

“Don’t touch me!”, he shouts, spinning around, breathing heavily.

“You don’t have to run away from me.” Louis frowns, his words a little slurred. He’s holding tightly onto Harry’s hand.

“Don’t hurt me”, Harry whispers shakily.

“Then don’t run from me.” He comes a step closer and leads Harry further until his back hits a cold wall. “Don’t you know what happens, when you run away?” He sounds honestly drunk; like he doesn’t know what he’s saying. He’s close now. Harry is trembling, trying to get away. Why is Louis so _strong_?  “If you run away I want to hunt you, Harry." 

“Please don’t”

Then Louis kisses him. It’s messy even though Harry keeps his mouth shut. Louis’ grip around his wrists is tight. Harry lets out a sob and it’s all it takes to make him cry again, to tear down the wall and show the mess he actually is.

He tries to push Louis off with everything he has but it’s not enough. The kiss only ends when Louis wants it. He pulls back to look at Harry, his eyes dark, and says: “Will you never forgive me?”

Harry shakes his head.

“And what about the band?”

Harry doesn’t know.

“If you ignore me in public there’s gonna be rumours.”

Harry can’t think, the fear numbs his thoughts. “You promised not to drink”, he whispers.

Louis lets out a short laugh. “So what’s the use if you’re not gonna forgive me either way?” His eyes are unfocused, his breath smells of alcohol. He doesn’t mean what he’s saying. He’s just drunk, right? “I still want you, Harry.”

Harry can only stare at him, panic all over his face.

“You wanted me, too. remember?” 

 _Yes, until you raped me_ , Harry thinks but doesn’t dare say it.

Louis sighs. Then he pulls Harry away from the wall and starts to drag him over the street. “While you ran away from me just now, did you notices you walked straight in the direction of my car?”

“You can’t drive. You’re drunk!”

“Who said I want to drive?” They reach the car and Louis makes Harry sit on the driver’s seat, then locks the door and gets in on the other side. Harry tries to open the car, starts to push his fists against the window until Louis lets out an irritated sigh. “Listen”, he says. “I told you I’m not gonna hurt you.” He seems annoyed and Harry doesn’t want to make him angry so he stops.

“You’re not gonna hurt me?” 

“As long as I still have control over my body … and now drive before I lose it.”

Harry swallows and starts the engine with shaky hands. He doesn’t even have a licence. His father taught him how to drive a while back but Harry can’t concentrate. Slowly he manages to move the car out of the parking spot, careful not to bump into anything.

The streets are empty since it’s early in the morning, which makes it a lot easier.

“You look sexy when you’re concentrating.” 

Harry flinches but doesn’t look up from the streets. Louis just keeps talking drunk nonsense, words, Harry thought he would never hear out of his mouth. Louis has been so empty, so regretful and painfully careful around him for the past month. He almost forgets what he can be like.

“Do you know why I fucked you?”, he asks. “Because you’re the hottest boy I’ve ever met and I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And when I drink – I can’t control myself. Looking at you right now, your pretty face … I feel my dick-“

“Look away then”, Harry says quickly, his breathing flat and shaky.

“But you’re so nice to look at. I like looking at you. I think it would be easier to pull out a tree than to keep my eyes from you.”

Harry doesn’t get it. The way Louis’ brain works. But he tries to, because it’s his only chance to get out of this .”Have you always been like this?”, he asks, tensely gripping the steering wheel.

“What? So horny? Yeah. I mean, I’m just a normal guy until I see someone I want. Then something clicks inside of me.”

“Have you – before you met me, have you forced someone –“

“No." 

“Then why me?”

“Cause you’re the prettiest of them all.”

Harry wants to hide under a blanket, or dig his nails into the skin of his face if that’s what it takes to make him less attractive to Louis. If it’s true what Louis says, it’s only a matter of time until he loses it. 

“Listen Harry. I still have a heart and a mind. Even if my dick sometimes likes to take control over both.”

“What can I do so it doesn’t?”

Louis laughs. “Stop being so damn cute.”

Harry doesn’t know what to say to that. Louis is still somewhere in there. Sober Louis, nice Louis. They seem like two different people – or is Louis always like this and just hides it?

They drive in silence and after a few minutes Harry hears Louis’ breathing going quicker. He throws a glance at him and jumps when he meets Louis’ dark hungry eyes. Something’s changed.

“Drive faster”, Louis mutters.

Harry does. The hotel isn’t far anymore, He tries to stay calm and not do anything that might trigger Louis. When they finally reach the hotel he finds a parking spot. It takes ages for him to get the car in there and the more time passes the more his hands shake and he feels panic slowly taking over his body. Finally, he stops the car and turns off the engine.

Then it’s quiet. The doors are still locked. “Can we go?”, Harry asks, trying to be calm.

“Yeah … just one second.” Harry holds his breath when Louis shifts closer and leans in. He stares at Louis, eyes big and scared. Louis kisses him and Harry’s heart starts racing but he doesn’t move a bit. He feels like Louis is a ticking time bomb and just one wrong move could be the end of him. 

Louis sucks on Harry’s bottom lip and puts his hands on his chest.

“Don’t”, Harry whispers. Is it too late now? Is he doomed to go through this again?

Louis’s hand moves inside his sweater, over his warm skin upwards to his chest. He touches his nipple and Harry trembles in fear. With the other hand, Louis removes his own seatbelt so he can move closer. He twists Harry’s nipple between his thumb and second finger and whispers: “I want to fuck you.”

“Louis”, Harry whispers, brokenly. 

“Tell me one good reason why I shouldn’t. Because right now I can’t think of one. You’re so … so soft.” He kisses him more passionately but Harry thinks that this is his chance. Louis is still hesitating. He’s not like he was that night. He’s not angry. Maybe Harry can talk him out of it.

“Because you’re hurting me if you do”, he says, firmly but shaky. He doesn’t move one bit.

“But you liked me, too, didn’t you?” Louis grins and then his hand moves down over Harry’s crotch, making Harry flinch.

“I did. But after you-“ 

“Well, I liked you, you liked me. It’s only natural that we fucked.” His words are messing things up now. His hand slowly rubs over Harry’s jeans and Harry digs his nails into the seat beneath him. He’s still strapped. There’s no way out. And even if he tried to flee, he couldn’t escape Louis.

So he tries talking. “I told you I didn’t want it and you still didn’t stop.”

“I was drunk.”

Louis doesn’t seem to understand anything Harry says. He turns things around so they make sense to him and Harry doesn’t know what to say. Louis begins to kiss his neck and opens the button of his jeans. He slowly moves his hands inside and wraps his fingers around Harry’s dick. Harry is too scared to fight him.

“Do you like this?”, Louis asks when he starts to slowly pump Harry. His breathing is hot on Harry’s neck. Harry is trembling. He hates this. “Touch me, too.” Louis grabs Harrys hand and moves it to his own crotch and Harry does what he says because he feels like if he doesn’t, Louis is gonna do far worse things.

Clumsily he opens Louis jeans and reaches inside. That’s the thing. The thing that ripped him apart months ago. The thing that hurt him so much. It’s erected and a little wet and Harry doesn’t want to touch it but he has to. 

Louis moans. “I knew you want this, too.”

Harry shuts his eyes tightly. He just wants this to be over and the only way out right now is to make Louis come so he starts to jerk him off quickly, ignoring the hands on his body and the breath on his neck. It doesn’t take long until Louis bucks his hips up and moans and then Harry’s hand is all sticky and wet.

After that, it’s quiet.

Louis clears his throat and pulls away, looks at Harry like he just woke up. Then he quickly buttons his jeans, then Harry’s and even unstraps Harry’s seatbelt. He awkwardly scratches his neck. Harry has teary eyes and looks back. It’s over.

“I’m sorry”, Louis mumbles. It’s useless.

“Are you sober now?”

Louis nods. “No more stupid hormones. Are you – are you angry at me?”

It’s the dumbest question Harry has ever heard. He nods and looks away. He’s still trembling but he feels like now that Louis got what he wanted he won’t hurt him anymore. Not until he’s horny again. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have drunk.”

“You’re sick.”

“I know.”

“You should go to therapy.” 

Louis nods. They sit in silence until Louis finally opens the door and they get out. Harry’s legs are shaky but for some strange reason he’s not so scared anymore because he knows Louis won’t hurt him now. It’s like he is two completely different people and now the nice one is back. The one he used to trust. The one who wouldn’t hurt him. 

“You really aren’t gonna forgive me, are you?”, Louis asks when they're upstairs, just before Harry enters his room. His eyes are sorry, full of desperate regret. Like this is torturing him, too.

Harry doesn’t reply. It’s useless to talk to Louis if the next time he sees him he might be drunk and out of his mind again. He just enters his room and locks the door, ready for another nightmare to haunt him in his sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii. so i know part of this is kinda unrealistic (the friendship thing) but i really wanted it to be like this so please bear with me!!

As months pass, things start to blur. Harry finds himself in the strangest situation because 99% of the time Louis is the nicest guy in the world. He doesn’t drink anymore. He says it was an accident, a weak moment where he felt the strong need for alcohol. He says he doesn’t feel that way anymore.

And as long as he’s not drunk, he’s just so damn nice. It’s hard, especially after months, to still be mad. It’s the strangest thing because Harry was _raped_ and _sexually abused_ by him but seeing Louis everyday, it’s like he’s not the same person. It’s like Louis wasn’t the one who did this to him. And he finds himself building up a bit of trust again, because he knows he’s save as long as Louis stays sober.

They’re bandmates. They’re supposed to get along. And Harry would never forgive a person who raped him. But when Louis is sober he just isn’t that person.

 _You can’t trust him,_ a voice keeps telling him. But Harry tricks himself into thinking that Louis could be his friend again. 

The first time he finds himself relaxing around him, it frightens him. He makes sure it doesn’t happen again, not to let his guard down, not to trust him. But then it happens again and after a few months he even finds himself laughing again.

Not that he’s anything near healed. He still has nightmares and panic attacks, but he manages. He has to. He spends so much time pretending he’s okay that sometimes he believes it.

They’re making their very first album and Louis has started a food fight and Harry actually laughs, when he throws some crisps back at Louis. They hit his head and Louis laughs, too.

Liam and Zayn sit on the other couch, busy with their phones and Niall is in the studio, singing one of his solos.

“Fuck, this is salty.” Harry sticks his tongue out, after tasting one of the crisps that landed on his lap. “I hate this flavour.” He grabs his water bottle. “Stop Louis.” He tries to kick the older boy, who’s still throwing food at him. Louis grins and pulls on his leg, causing the water to spill all over Harry’s face. They burst into laughter.

“Harry, you’re next.” Niall is in the door frame and Harry gets up, soaking wet.

 

~

 

A few weeks later they’re on the couch and Harry falls asleep first. He’s tired all the time, because it’s hard to pretend and it’s hard to laugh but sometimes, especially when the five of them are together, he lets his guard down. He’s less careful.

When he wakes up again, about an hour later, there’s only Niall and Louis left. Niall is fast asleep. Louis grins at Harry and gives him a sign to be quiet, not the wake Niall. There’s a mischievous look on his face. He points to the bag of gummy bears that’s on the table and then to Niall, who’s snoring with his mouth wide open.

Harry can’t help but grin, too. He’s sleepy and too worn out to worry about Louis. He just wants to be okay. He wants to be friends with him. So he watched excitedly, as Louis grabs the bag and gets some gummy beard out. He gives one to Harry and then puts a bear inside Niall’s mouth.

Niall doesn’t move but he stops snoring.

Harry holds back his laughter and leans over Louis to put a second bear in Niall’s shirt. Again, Niall doesn’t react. 

While Harry is leaning over Louis’ lap, he suddenly feels something cold at the back of his neck and jumps, his guard back up in a second. He stares at Louis, alarmed. But Louis seems all relaxed, a little grin on his face and Harry realises that all he did was put a gummy bear in the back of his shirt.

“Oi. I thought we were allies”, he whispers and pulls back to stuff another bear right inside Louis' shirt. They stare at each other, both grinning slightly.

Then Louis attacks him.

It’s all fun, tickling hands, but Harry feels his body protesting, not wanting these hands, not wanting Louis on top of him. Suddenly he can’t breathe and he quickly puts his hands on Louis’ chest to keep him off of him.

Louis seems to get it. He swallows and stops moving, regret filling his eyes once again. “I’m sorry”, he mumbles.

Harry just shakes his head and pushes Louis off, sitting up straight and scooting away a little. “I’m tired”, he whispers, not daring to look at him. He gets up.

“Sleep well, Harry”, Louis says.

“You, too.”

 

~

 

In his nightmares, the one raping him, isn’t Louis. It’s someone who looks like Louis, with darker eyes and a deeper voice. Someone who’s rough and strong, who has no heart and no mind. It’s not _Louis._ It's a different person. 

Harry meets this person again, just when he least expected it.

He’s late because he had to sing his solo a hundred times before their producer was satisfied, but when he finally reaches their hotel at around midnight, his friends are still up. They’re on the couch, all four of them, playing video games.

“Hey guys”, Harry says, pulling his shoes off.

“Hi. How’s it going?” 

“Okay. He wouldn’t let me go until I sung the same part about three hundred times.”

“He’s an idiot”, Louis giggles. He sounds strange. He’s facing the TV so Harry can’t see him but then he spots the empty bottles of beer on the table and his heart stops. Did Louis drink?

“Yeah … um, I’m gonna go to bed. I’m really tired”, he mumbles quickly to get away as soon as possible.

“Sleep well!”, Zayn shouts while Harry disappears into his room. He puts on long pyjamas because he can’t sleep naked anymore and then gets into bed. He’s scared. His heart is racing and he isn’t even surprised when a few minutes later the door opens.

There’s the sound of feet on cold floor. Then the weight on the mattress next to him. Harry turns around only so that Louis can't overwhelm him. He’s met with warm eyes and a smile. “How was your day?”

Maybe Louis didn’t drink after all. But then why is he here? “Pretty exhausting.” Harry’s voice is shaking a little. 

“I’m really excited for the album.” He doesn’t sound drunk. Maybe a little tipsy. 

“Yeah, me too.”

Then Louis grins and leans over to kiss Harry. Harry thought he was prepared for this but still the fear numbs him. He doesn’t move. Just lays there, careful not to make Louis angry.

It’s sweet and soft and when Louis pulls back, Harry carefully asks: “Why did you drink?”

“Zayn brought some beer”, he mumbles, sounding a little sorry.

“You knew I would come back.” 

“I thought I would fall asleep early.” 

Harry takes a long deep breath. He doesn’t want to argue. Louis is calm and nice right now and it should stay that way.

But then he comes closer, puts his face in Harry’s neck and mumbles. “I want to sleep with you.”

Harry tenses up immediately. He’s not ready to let anyone near his backside ever again after what happened. “We’re just friends, Louis”, he tries to gently reject him.

“How about friends with benefits?” Louis grins like it’s a great idea and kisses down Harry’s neck. “I’d like that.” He slowly pushes the blanket off Harry’s body and his hands under his sweater. “You’re so soft and warm.”

It’s like he’s not thinking straight anymore. Like he simply forgot what happened, forgot that Harry doesn’t want this. Maybe the alcohol helps him to only remember what he wants to remember. 

“I –“ Harry doesn’t know what to say. “You’re gonna regret this in the morning. You’re losing control, Louis.” He tries to gently push Louis off of him but is immediately met with resistance. In fact, the harder Harry pushes him off, the more force Louis uses. He gets on top of him to straddle his waist.

“I want you all the time, even when I’m sober. All the time I think about fucking you. But I’m just too much of a coward to take what I want.” He slowly spreads Harry’s legs and pulls down his pants.

Harry is trembling. “Not a coward. You- You’re just able to understand what you can’t have when you’re sober.”

“What I can’t have?” Louis’ voice sounds a little annoyed now and Harry immediately shuts up. “I _can_ have you, Harry.”

He doesn’t want this to be rough and angry. He doesn’t want to be forced. So he stays still, presses his eyes shut and lets Louis pull his briefs down. He feels his hands on his thighs, then his dick and starts trembling frantically. Louis spreads his thighs and Harry doesn’t fight, not even when there are hands on his butt.

“You’re so pretty back here.” He spreads his cheeks and softly moves his finger over his entrance.

“Louis”, Harry whispers, like a quiet beg. But he can’t say anything. Can’t make him angry.

Things happen painfully slow. Louis spits into his hand and enters Harry’s body with his finger. One, then two, then three. Harry tries not to cry, tries to keep as calm as possible. When Louis eventually pulls his fingers out again to size his cock up, Harry can’t keep the tears inside. He bites his lip, trying not to make any noises when it enters him. It’s a lot slower and more gentle than last time but it hurts just as much.

He’s too tense and it’s too tight. Tears run down his cheeks. Louis starts to move, slowly at first, then quicker. “You feel so good, Harry”, he says, moving his hips. It doesn’t take long for him to come and when he does he pushes deeper inside of him, buries his face in his neck to muffle his moans. “Fuck.”

Then he collapses onto him.

Harry knows what happens next.

He’s crying and keeps his eyes shut. They’re both shaking now. Louis in regret and Harry in pain. Louis lets out a painful groan and hugs Harry, like that would make things better. “Fuck”, he mumbles. Harry doesn’t know what do say or do. He liked Louis for the past months. He thought he could trust him. But how is he supposed to forgive him again if it just keeps happening?

When Louis pulls away there are tears and anger in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to.”

Harry just looks up at him with empty eyes.  

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Just - pull it out, please”, Harry mumbles shakily.

Louis does, quickly pulls away and he looks so sorry that it's almost pitiful. “I’m gonna to see a therapist.”

Harry curls up on the bed and pulls the blanket around himself. “Okay. Just please leave. Now.”

Louis nods. “I’m sorry”, he says again. Then he leaves.


End file.
